Be kind to future you
From you to you, with love
One thing I’ve observed in those who lack confidence or self-belief, is the need to move on quickly from anything positive – without letting that moment sink in.
Whether they’re offered praise at work or a personal compliment (that doesn’t cross any boundaries), they won’t see it like that.
To some it might seem rude, but for those receiving that praise there’s nothing worse.
And they’ll do anything in their own mind to accept it.
They’ll deflect elsewhere, return the praise, or apparently ignore you.
It can quickly get in their head and create doubt, insecurity, and imposter syndrome. They’ve been praised for a task well done, but now they think everyone else labels them as this person with high standards and delivery, raising their own personal expectations where nothing short of perfection is necessary.
That one moment of praise now becomes a growing ladder of escalation, rather than a single transaction.
Ringing any bells?
When good is bad
Time and again during mentoring, I advise people to create a win sheet as a way to remember to win.
Generally, this advice is around taking the win at that moment and using it to energise them throughout a day, week or month.
Or longer.
As useful as that advice is, and I stand by it, it can fall down when I’m faced with someone who seems unable to accept praise.
The irony of these people (or ‘you’ if this is resonating), is that they can be very good (in a bad way!) at dwelling on something when it’s gone wrong.
The energy they should spend absorbing and basking in the praise is spent focusing on the negatives instead – even if they’re minimal.
This is who I’m talking to today, but this time with an adjusted approach.
Save for later
My idea of a win sheet is twofold:
Write it down so you don’t forget… we can’t remember everything!
Something to refer back to in future months.
What I’ve only recently considered, and the inspiration for this post, is that there’s a third, slightly more nuanced idea.
I do advise people to use their win sheet as a reminder of the good times when things aren’t going so well, or as the starting point for things like appraisals and performance reviews, but that assumes they’re comfortable with praise in the first place.
If you’re not, then don’t reflect on it (or ignore it) instead, do your best to acknowledge it – a simple thank you is enough – then immediately write it down for future you.
But not just so you don’t forget!
If you can’t be kind to yourself now, do it for a version of you that’s put enough time between past praise and the present.
This means you’re not only remembering praise you’ve received previously and using it for personal development, but you will also slowly become better at reflecting and accepting positive feedback at that moment – rather than a delayed one.
And when you do, don’t thank me – thank past you.
The title of this post was inspired by a chat I had with Claudia Wright from Warbox, the sister agency of Tank (where I work). Claudia used a very similar phrase in an interview she gave to Nottingham Trent University. Thanks, Claudia!