Putting yourself first isn't selfish

featuring the oxygen mask analogy

No one should feel guilty for putting themselves first.

However, many of you reading this will be thinking the opposite.

And the idea of doing so fills you with so much guilt that others will think you’re not pulling your weight at work, or that you will only be able to enjoy ‘me time’ at the expense of someone, or something else.

Essentially, guilt-tripping yourself before anyone else gets a chance to tell you otherwise.

And we should acknowledge one thing before we explore why… thinking that is ok!

Caring so selflessly is not a weakness

It never fails to amaze me how someone can care so selflessly about others.

Now I’m not outing myself as a selfish person (I hope that’s clear!) but I know there are people far better than me at putting others first.

This manifests itself day-to-day, such as remembering school schedules or birthdays (thank you to my incredible wife!), to what’s going on with friends, colleagues or family on a deeper, more emotional level.

I’m an ENTP so these aren’t always my first thoughts, but I am wise enough to know this now. And as a manager, I’m far better at considering what others are going through before jumping in to offer my opinion than I was in the early stages of my career.

(Maybe more than I’m giving myself credit for. We’ll see.)

A great example of this personality difference in action was asked by the amazing Vicky Blissett when she hosted our team Myers-Briggs workshop.

(If you remember, I spoke to Vicky for a previous blog: Why four letters don't define you, but they can help...)

When discussing our traits, she asked the following: “Your best friend rings you to tell you their house has been broken into, what’s the first thing you say?”

Now my immediate reaction would be something like: “What was taken? Oh and are you ok? Is the family ok?”

Of course, I want to know that they’re as ok as can be given the situation, but my inquisitive brain can’t help but instinctively jump to thinking: “They’ve been broken into. Why… and what was taken?”, before rapidly switching to find out how they are.

The S’s and F’s in the session asked – quite rightly – a million and one emotive-led questions: “Are you ok? Is the family ok? Is the dog alright? I’m coming straight over! etc.”

It seems such a subtle difference, but it reveals deeper instincts that manifest in other ways.

A self-sabotaging paradox

While this selflessness should always be praised, when these people tip over beyond their best, they start to self-sabotage anytime they think about themselves.

Their consideration for everyone else spirals, resulting in extreme guilt where they feel the need to tie their efforts to someone or something else.

These types see switching off as only achievable if they sacrifice something from their to do list, or at the expense of someone else – developing a narrative that’s far removed from reality.

Plus, if they do get that vague urge to relax, they start to feel guilty – completely unprompted – that they shouldn’t be doing anything if their other half, or work colleagues, are still putting in a shift.

I have this conversation a lot.

I know that occasionally putting myself first is not harming anyone or stopping work from getting done, it’s simply my way of temporarily switching off and recharging.

I believe this helps me stay more grounded, more effective, and more able to be my best self.

At my worst, I know I can become a little bit too inwards and dogmatic, but this is rare (I hope!), and I’m now much better at finding some brief time away from those areas that use up most of my energy.

• We make handovers for a reason.

• Annual leave shouldn’t be seen as optional, especially if you don’t have plans!

• We can watch different TV shows to our other halves.

• Our kids don’t lose sleep if we go for a solo walk once in a while.

• Neither do colleagues if we’re not the one that’s always offering help.

Trust me, we logical thinkers don’t feel that guilt as much.

We’re not robots, and clearly we have our own shortcomings, but the ability to disconnect helps us to re-centre and go again.

A better sense of self…ish

This goes beyond work and into the realms of mental health and wellbeing.

How can you look after others if you’re not prioritising yourself? How can you develop your sense of self-worth if all you’re doing is thinking about anyone but yourself?

It’s ok to care so passionately about everyone else, putting them before you most of the time – but it can’t be all the time.

No matter how caring you are that’s going to take its toll.

And this is why I find the oxygen mask analogy so relevant.

As you taxi to the runway, remember what the cabin crew tells you to do in the event the oxygen masks drop down during the flight.

And, should that rare and harrowing situation ever occur for real on a flight, you can’t help others until you’ve helped yourself.

You were told!

Speaking as a parent, I can imagine the urge to prioritise children is overwhelming, but you’re no good to them if you’re unconscious.

Ok, slightly dramatic, but the point is this: the best way to help and support others is to make sure you’re looking after number one.

Finding a better sense of yourself, even if it’s just ‘self…ish’, will help you switch off, be better equipped to deal with imposter syndrome and, bear with me on this, accept a compliment or two in the future!

At the very least you can become more comfortable in your own skin and more willing to accept who you are is already someone brilliant.

Stranger things have happened!