Hands up…
We’ve all done it, but is it one of your unbreakable habits?
This can be a trait of those of you who struggle with self-confidence, where you seem to take the whole weight of any negative feedback but dismiss any praise.
On the outside, it looks like you’re assuming all of the responsibility when something goes wrong or doesn’t go according to plan, yet none of the gratitude when you’re appreciated or congratulated.
If this is you then you’re likely to have once responded with one of the following to someone giving you any form of positive feedback:
“But you’re amazing too!”
“Anyone could have done it.”
“I had a lot of help.”
“It was a team effort.”
“It was nothing.”
“Just doing my job.”
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
“It wasn’t perfect, but thanks.”
I get it.
If you doubt yourself more regularly than you praise yourself, then why would you answer any differently?
Low confidence, lack of self-belief, low self-esteem… they all play havoc with our brains.
Reframing feedback
However, what if I take those answers and offer a counter to each one?
Maybe it will help.
“But you’re amazing too!”
The person praising you isn’t doing it to get praise about themselves! It doesn’t have to be mutual. They’re being genuine and want you to know it.“Anyone could have done it.”
Theoretically yes, but ‘anyone’ didn’t do it – you did! It doesn’t matter whether this was a task you were asked to do, or took it upon yourself to complete, you’re the one who finalised it all.“I had a lot of help.”
Were you the one who organised everyone and brought them all together to meet the deadline? Probably! That’s why you’re getting the praise!“It was a team effort.”
Often the the follow-up response if you first said number three. Most things at work are a team effort but that doesn’t mean your work has any less value just because others were involved. Team collaboration is a skill. Team management is an even bigger one.“It was nothing.”
No., just no. You know you’ve worked hard on this – don’t diminish it.“Just doing my job.”
But you’ve done this bit (or all of it) really well, and someone wants you to know it. And, knowing the type of brains who say this particular answer, I know how much effort you put into a project. Every. Single. Time.“It wasn’t a big deal.”
It’s not a small deal though is it? Shall we meet in the middle?“It wasn’t perfect, but thanks.”
This one needs the curtain pulling back on the truth. Nothing is ever perfect, and the more we try and perfect it, the further away we get from ever finishing it. This doesn’t mean “80% is good enough” (although, there’s a whole post to unpack this idea in the future!), but about understanding what’s more important on a project-by-project basis. Does it need to get submitted and sent out the door? Or is excellent essential? That’s where feedback helps.
One trick to remember with any feedback, is to ask yourself, “If I heard someone else give this praise about this work, and it wasn’t mine, would I agree?”
The answer is more than likely yes.
After all, no one judges you more harshly than… you!
What if you’re not quite ready to change?
Advice is easy to give, but difficult to implement.
Don’t think you suddenly need to be a confident egomaniac who is obsessed with your own brilliance – no one is expecting that level of character evolution.
(You wouldn’t want to change that much anyway!)
If your default setting is one of those eight answers – or a variation I haven’t included – then start small.
“Thank you” is more than enough to acknowledge your contribution, without jumping to include “and the team this…” or “but, you know that…”. It acknowledges the feedback, doesn’t diminish your contribution, but politely ends the chat.
Saying thank you gives you the foundation to build from and, slowly but surely, bring in more of the ideas I put forward under the list above.
You’ll start to feel more comfortable praising your team first, and then acknowledging your own efforts.
Eventually, you’ll find the courage to say how proud you are of the one person you don’t praise enough – you!