How to stop feedback killing your confidence
Embrace it your way
Oversimplified statement of the day – good feedback is good, bad feedback is… bad.
However, constructive feedback (positive or negative) is far more useful – but it can be hard to take. It’s meant to deliver longer-term positive impact on your way of working, your attitude or your mindset (among many other things).
The better leaders don’t treat every situation or interaction as a moment to tell someone else their thoughts, but they do know the right time to dish out praise, or provide actionable advice for improvements. Importantly, they do all of this without going over the top in either direction.
Despite all of this and the best intentions of those giving the feedback, many people still struggle to know how to take it.
The challenge then, is how to change that. Here’s some ideas that might help…
Train yourself
A big irony around feedback is that we all need it, but asking for it is hard. However, like most things in life, the more you do something, the more comfortable you will be each time it happens. That first step is the hardest.
You can start with those you trust the most and get comfortable asking them for feedback. Then you can build up to asking those you find harder, or intimidating, to talk to.
Get ahead of it
The best communicators “choose their words well, understand their audience, and connect with them at the right time and place.”1
They also give the context behind what they’re saying and, even more importantly, why they’re saying it.
When you’re not as experienced, this is hard.
But it’s even harder to explain how you work and how you would like to receive feedback. You might find this concept silly, or pointless, or that you’re just being a nuisance.
None of those are true.
Getting ahead of it means explaining to your team or manager how receiving feedback works for you.
For instance, you may want feedback as soon as possible after a meeting or presentation. Or, if that’s your idea of hell, you may only want to hear someone else’s thoughts once you’ve processed your own.
Remember those people at school or university who would want to discuss the exam questions immediately after it had finished? Versus those who just wanted to forget about it (regardless of how well they thought they’d done)?
They exist in work too.
Either way, if you explain your preferred method, then it will only benefit you going forward.
Understand who’s giving it
Once you’ve established the way you like to receive feedback, remember to appreciate who’s giving it is often as important as what they’re saying. Depending on their communication style, they might be delivering feedback in a way they find is fair and considered but – in your eyes – it comes across as direct, blunt or even confrontational.
The opposite could also be true.
Get to know them and discuss how you both react to feedback so you can appreciate each other’s points of view – and then you’ll work even better together.
Breathe. Think. Respond.
Whether you struggle to accept good feedback or find it hard to reply when told anything constructive, remember… you are allowed to take a moment to think.
And this moment doesn’t have to be two minutes.
If someone offers you their thoughts, ideas or support and then immediately asks if that helps, it’s perfectly acceptable to reply along the lines, “I’m not saying no, I just need to process it – but thank you for sharing. Let me reply later/tomorrow/next week.”
This gives you the space you need to process what’s been said in your way and in your own time.
Not all feedback is useful feedback
You don’t have to agree with everything that’s said.
Failing all of that, take a moment to use possibly the best piece of advice I’ve ever read – if you wouldn’t listen to their praise, why listen to their feedback?
I wrote more on that way of thinking back in August 2024.
Walden University - https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/communication/resource/how-to-be-an-effective-communicator-in-7-easy-steps